Of The Difference Between Godly and Godless Friendship

(written in 1595 AD)

10/28/2002

Take notice, my child, that the honey of Heraclyum, which is so poisonous, altogether resembles that which is wholesome, and there is great danger of mistaking one for the other, or of mixing them, for the virtue of one would not counteract the harmfulness of the other.

We must be on our guard not to be deceived in making friendships, for not infrequently Satan deludes those who love one another. They may begin with a virtuous affection, but if discretion be lacking, frivolity will creep in, and then sensuality, till their love becomes carnal. Even in spiritual love there is a danger if people are not on the watch. Consequently, when Satan seeks to interpose, he does it stealthily, and strives almost imperceptibly.

“Come out from among them and be separate,” says the Lord.

“Bad company corrupts good character.”

“A little leaven leavens the whole batch.”

“We are not ignorant of Satan’s devices.”

You may distinguish between worldly friendship and that which is good and holy, just as one distinguishes that poisonous honey from what is good. The carnal, unacceptable to God, is sweeter to the taste than ordinary honey, owing to the aconite infused. And so worldly friendship is profuse in honeyed words, passionate endearments. commendations of beauty and sensual charms. True and Godly friendship speaks a simple, honest language, lauding naught save the Grace of God, its one only foundation.

That strange honey causes giddiness; and so false friendship upsets the mind, makes its victim to totter in the ways of Truth and devotion, inducing affected, mincing looks, sensual caresses, inordinate sighings, petty complaints of not being loved, slight but questionable familiarities, and the like, which are sure precursors of evil. Whereas true and Godly friendship is modest and straightforward in every way, has no sighs save for Heaven, no complaints save that God is not loved sufficiently.

That honey confuses the sight, as worldly friendship confuses the judgment, so that men think themselves right while doing evil, and assume their excuses and pretexts to be valid reasoning. They fear the light and love darkness; but true friendship is clear-sighted, and hides nothing. It rather seeks to be seen of good men.

Lastly, this poisonous honey leaves an exceeding bitter taste behind; and so false friendship turns to evil desires, upbraidings, slander, deceit, sorrow, confusion, and jealousies, too often ending in downright sin; but pure friendship is always the same-modest, courteous, and loving knowing no change save an increasingly pure and perfect union, a type of the blessed friendships of Heaven.

When young people indulge in looks, words, or actions which they would not like to be seen by their parents, husbands, or Confessors, it is a sure sign that they are damaging their conscience and their honor.

REMEDIES AGAINST EVIL FRIENDSHIPS

How are you to meet the swarm of foolish attachments, triflings, and undesirable inclinations which beset you? By turning sharply away, and thoroughly renouncing such vanities, flying to the Savior’s Cross, and clasping His Crown of thorns to your heart, so that these little foxes may not spoil your vines.

Beware of entering into any manner of treaty with the Enemy; do not delude yourself by listening to him—while intending to reject him. For God’s sake, my daughter, my son, be firm on all such occasions! The heart and ear are closely allied, and just as you would vainly seek to check the downward course of a mountain torrent, so difficult will you find it to keep the smooth words which enter in at the ear from finding their way down into the heart.

Alcmeon says that the goat breathes through its ears, not its nostrils. I know not whether this be so, but one thing I know, that our heart breathes through the ear! While our heart exhales its own thoughts through the mouth, it inhales those of others by the ear.

Let us then carefully guard our ears against evil words which would speedily infect the heart. Never hearken to any indiscreet conversation whatsoever—never mind if you seem rude and discourteous in rejecting all such. Always bear in mind that you have dedicated your heart to God, and offered your love to Him; so that it were sacrilege to deprive Him of one particle thereof. Do you rather renew the offering continually by fresh resolutions, entrenching yourself therein as in a fortress. Cry out to God, He will succor you, and His Love will shelter you, so that all your love may be kept for Him only.

If unhappily you are already entangled in the nets of any unreal and Godless affection as described, comforting to the sinful flesh but addictive and utterly destructive to any Godly destiny, truly it is hard to set you free! But place yourself before His Divine Majesty, acknowledge the depth of your wretchedness, your weakness and vanity, and then with all the earnestness of purpose you can muster, arrest the budding evil, abjure your own empty promises, and renounce those you have received, and resolve with a firm, absolute will never again to indulge in any trifling or dallying with such matters. This you MUST do. Delay no longer. The only true risk is in delay or negotiation.

If you are unable to resolve this before God, with clear repentance, you may need further action. If you can remove yourself from the object of your unworthy affection, and stay near to those who can best show you the integrity of His Ways, it is most desirable to do so. He who has been bitten by a viper cannot heal his wound in the presence of another suffering from the like injury, and so one bitten with a false fancy will not shake it off while near to his fellow victim. Change of companions is very helpful in quieting the excitement and restlessness of sorrow or love. Ambrose tells a story of a young man, who coming home after a long journey quite cured of a foolish attachment, met the unworthy object of his former passion, who stopped him, saying, “Do you not know me, I am still myself? ” “That may be,” was the answer, “but I am not myself” so thoroughly and happily was he changed by forcefully avoiding the bad influence, replacing it with Good.

But what is he to do, who cannot try this remedy? To such I would say, abstain from all private interactions with them, all tender glances and smiles, and from every kind of communication which can feed the unholy flame. If it be necessary to speak at all, express clearly and tersely the eternal renunciation on which you have resolved. I say unhesitatingly to whosoever has become entangled in any such worthless love affairs, cut it short, break it off—do not play with it, or pretend to untie the knot; cut it through, tear it asunder. There must be no dallying with an attachment which is incompatible with the Love of God. If they will not likewise agree to this resolve of stepping back to Godly distance as is best, then you must impose it without their agreement.

But, you ask, after I have thus burst the chains of my unholy bondage, will no traces remain, and shall I not still carry the scars on my feet—that is, in my wounded affections? Not so, my child, if you have attained a due abhorrence of the evil. In that case, all you will feel is an exceeding horror of your unworthy affection, and all appertaining thereto; no thought will linger in your breast concerning it save a true love of God. Our Messiah and Savior is also Healer.

Yet, if by reason of the imperfection and weakness of your repentance, any evil inclinations still hover round you, repeatedly renounce your evil desires; abjure them heartily; read pious books more than is your wont; spend time in confession, worship, and petition before your God; simply and humbly lay before trusted Saints all that tempts and troubles you, if you can. At all events take counsel with some faithful, wise friends. It is in openness and relationship in His Body that we find Christ Jesus, “in our midst.”

And never doubt but that God will set you free from all evil passions, if you are steadfast and devout on your part. “He is able to complete that which He has begun in you.”

Perhaps you will say that it is unkind, ungrateful, thus pitilessly to break off a friendship. Surely it were a happy unkindness which is acceptable to God; but of a truth, my child, you are committing no unkindness, rather conferring a great benefit on the person you love, for you break their chains as well as your own, and although at the moment they may not appreciate their gain, they will do so by and by, and will join you in thanksgiving. “Thou, Lord, hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the Name of the Lord.”