"Fruit Basket" Sonship
....The competition, envy, and strife in my heart towards various people just seems to get worse and worse the more I try to kill it. It’s to the point now where when someone tries to edify me or strengthen me, I start to resent them and hate that they are ahead of me and can see what I need when I can’t. I don’t want to think that way, but that is the first reaction of my soul before I reel it in and go, “Hey, wait a minute, I’m just grateful that anyone is trying to help me....”
What is the difference, in practical terms, between trying to put to death the misdeeds of the flesh through “willpower,” or by the Spirit?
I also feel like my motives are so wrong anyway. I want to be healed of all this so that my brothers and sisters won’t look down on me and think I’m a fruitcake. I am tired of always being the sick one. But that’s just the flip side of my pride and competitiveness, caring about position and prestige and being humiliated that I don’t have it. I hope the Lord has mercy on me and will bring me into victory even though even my reasons for desiring victory are so often so skewed...
Hi there, you brought back some old memories! : ) I remember walking out of town when visiting Lubbock, TX on a 105 degree day, feeling a lot of crummy things about myself—not unlike what you’re saying. I just walked and walked out into the hot, dry, unforgiving, UGLY dusty area just outside of town and looked up to the sky with clenched fists. About the time I was trying to decide what my clenched fists meant and what, if anything, I could do about my hapless state… I instead looked up to Father, gave up the fight to Him and said, “Father I may just be a vegetable. A VEGETABLE. Nothing more. I may not know anything or do anything meaningful my whole life. Maybe I’m nothing but a vegetable. But, I’m going to be the best vegetable You ever had. And that is going to be okay.” I just gave up the fight to be and to do, and relaxed in whoever in the world I am and all I had to offer anyway. “I’ll just be a good vegetable then.” I don’t even have to ‘figure out’ my motives, as much as just relax in my ‘fruit basket’ sonship.
It’s working out fine just to be His child, and not get caught up in the rest. That other stuff is too COMPLICATED. You know? : )
Shalom, and Grace