On Earth As It Is In Heaven

The Guiding Principle

1/13/2019

The guiding principle is really simple, if you think that the way they are responding to you is the way you are allowed to respond to God, then they are probably on the right track. But if in any way, shape or form the slightest facial expression, or tone of voice, or procrastination, hesitation, attitude of any kind whatsoever, if any of that is not “on earth as it is in Heaven,” if any of that is not how God would want you to respond to Him then you have a responsibility to enforce truth. You cannot tolerate and negotiate. Do you think God negotiates with us when He asks us to obey something? “Well, what if I..???” “What if I…???” Is that how Gabriel and the Angels respond to God? “How ‘bout if…??” …blah blah blah. All this back talk, negotiation, hesitation, procrastination, eyebrows, tone of voice, whiney, resistant, clinched fist—if that’s not how God allows you to respond to Him, then you have no right, in representing God to them, to let them get away with that with you. No right.

These children are on a loan. Your little psychology nonsense is for the birds. You have one guiding principle, and it isn’t to see if you can negotiate with them and see if you can “convince them” of a higher way. God does want us to understand God, but in the end we don’t, do we? So there’s a whole bunch of mystery in this idea of obedience.

Like with the Ironman race—“I know you’ve taken 35 years off, but you need to do an Ironman.”

“What!? Do you know how much work that is?” I could have said, “Surely not Lord,” multiple times. OR I could just say, “May it be done according to your will. I don’t know how this is gonna work, but I think it’s the right thing. I think it’s what you want, so I’m gonna try.” And the very night I get to the race is when a supernatural job opportunity opened up, at dinner.

So I did a very unlikely thing. It cost me three months of agony to do it. I don’t have to understand everything God has in mind when I’m doing my best to obey Him, and I don’t need to have an attitude or be whiney about it. So, I’ve gotta be up and out at five in the morning so I can catch the eight o’clock flight after a seven-mile run. I didn’t want to get up at 4:30 in the morning to run in the dark to do that, but that’s the only way I’m going to ultimately obey and do this ironman race.

So the process of “on earth as it is in Heaven” is not that unclear, and you don’t need to negotiate with a child like you’re their consoler, and you’re “persuading” them based on your information overload. They just need to obey you.

If you can help them understand why along the way, so much the better. God does help us understand things along the way sometimes, maybe even most of the times, but it’s along the way. It’s not a negotiation. We are not trying to convince them of the rightness of it so they can decide on their own. No, I’ve already decided for them, and if I help them understand the wisdom behind it so they don’t make the same mistakes when I’m not watching, then that’s better. Of course it is. But “on earth as it is in Heaven” is the guiding principle. Anything less than how God wants you to respond when He wants you to do something you have no right to let the children respond differently when you have something you’re wanting them to do.

If it’s not going to be a command, then don’t command it. There are plenty of things in life that God leaves optional to us. I don’t know what I’m having for dinner, but I have no sense that God cares. I’m probably not going to hear God say, “Eat meatloaf again.” That’s unlikely. If I thought that was what God wanted, then I would go that direction as best I could. If I had reason to think that’s what God wanted, I would try to go that way. Maybe it’s because three children in the room hate meatloaf, and if I skip it, I’m making a statement that’s not helpful for the other children. So I’m going to eat meatloaf for the second night in a row because that’s the highest principle at that moment, therefore that’s what God’s will is. I’m not talking about audible voices about meatloaf. I’m talking about God’s ways related to meatloaf in the vast majority of cases.

Point being, some things are optional and maybe even most things are optional. In such a case, do not make a command and expect them to obey on arbitrary matters just for the fun of it. But when you need them to obey something just like God needs us to obey some things, then give them a command. And not all commands are easy to understand, but that doesn’t give us the right to question them.

Great Leadership Can Overcome

When a child seems to be just insistent on having their own way and ideas and opinions about almost everything, would there be a special situation where I would choose for a given day that I make a point to cross their will every chance I see (seemingly “arbitrary commands” but with a purpose) in effort to break this habit of theirs? Such as when I see them go for a toy, I stop them in their tracks and call their name?

There’s a place for breaking habits and so-on. There are different reasons for fasting. If I’m addicted to food, I need to fast. Also, there are times when I just want to really seek God and I want to pray and I want to have clarity, and then I’ll fast. But if I just need to break an addiction to food, I may fast just for that reason, because in principle I should never be addicted to food. Okay, so this child is addicted to self-life and maybe you need to help her break the habit of being addicted to herself.

Each child has their own problems. They all come at it from different angles based on their chemistry, wiring, and hormones and all sorts of weird things. Our leadership is the component that draws all those things together and puts them on a right path. Great leadership can overcome. Some children are kinda crazy children that are either 100% in or 100% out, and there’s absolutely no middle ground. One sibling will require a different leadership challenge than another because they are nothing, nothing alike.

Connect the Dots for Them

Some children, when you talk to them about Jesus and they’re being soft, they are just lovely, and they seem drawn, but then when you are up against their will, they are just gonna have a stinkin’ attitude. What do you do about that?

You need to compliment them every time their attitude is great, reinforce it, make it clear to them i.e. “Do you remember this other time when you did this thing instead? It was just awful. Isn’t this response more beautiful? Don’t you feel better inside. Isn’t this a garden in your heart compared to that yucky attitude?” “Remember this feeling right now because this is who you want to be next time you’re tempted to be the other way.”

“Remember this situation. Does it feel the same to you or does it feel very different to you? Because this is better. This makes God very happy and the other makes God feel very sad. This is better for you, too. Don’t you feel happier now than you do in those moments? Remember this the next time you’re tempted to be like that, and I’ll remind you too.”

“Remember when this thing happened and how beautiful you were?”

You have to connect the dots for them because for them they are just living moment by moment and they have almost no memory of anything… just moment to moment to moment. SO you have to draw together the grand theme of “on earth as it is in Heaven,” making Jesus happy, making mom and dad happy, the grand theme of “we have choices about how we respond, and in this case it’s beautiful and in this case it’s ugly and dark… and remember when and remember when and remember when...”

That’s good leadership. That’s an orchestra conductor who takes a child, no matter where they are at or what their inclination or habits are or what their hormones are, and brings together these grand themes under leadership and connects the dots for them until they can finally see it for themselves. I don’t expect them to see it for themselves at this age. They don’t connect the dots, they live moment to moment. And if they are feeling good it might go well, and if they are feeling bad it goes horribly. Well, they have choices in those moments, and they don’t even know they do because they are only responding to how they feel. And you have to draw together the grand theme of truth to help them overcome how they feel. Just how it is true for us.

Outsmart Them: Precise Discipline or Reward

There are times when a child is right in the middle of playing when God’s agenda for the time changes and we are gonna read scripture or something. Their response needs to be “this is the only thing that matters. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and come right away,” but it’s not. What do you do about that?

You’ve gotta outsmart them. You say, “Alright, I’m about to pull you out of your play. You’re gonna have two choices. You’re going to respond ‘on earth as it is in heaven’ the way Mary did to Gabriel, the way Jesus did to His Father, the way you do on a good day with me. You’re going to respond well and be rewarded for that. Or if you respond poorly, which would be fighting me in any way, crying, being angry—then here’s the punishment that you’ll get for that.”

The discipline doesn’t go on forever. It’s simply: “Here’s the punishment I told you that you would get.”

There is no way to stop the cycle when you get deep into the emotional realm (Discipline. “Stop crying.” Discipline. “Would you please behave?!” Discipline... and so on and on.) Just be clear about what the choice is: Which one is towards God and towards love and which one is towards the enemy of God and rebellion. Be clear about what the consequences are: What the rewards are and what the punishment will be. And then be really precise and follow through with what you said.

“Okay, so I’m about to pull you out of it [play], you know what your two choices are, right? Can you repeat those to me?” And then “3...2...1... let’s go.” And then you execute. You either reward them if they did well, or you give them exactly the punishment you promised. And the punishment is finite, meaning you’re not in this negotiation battle of: punish, and then “stop crying,” and punish and then “have a good attitude about it” and punish.... It’s very difficult to get out of that cycle. So you have to outsmart it by being precise in exactly what you’re promising, pro or con, and then executing. And it’s finite. It’s not, “I’m going to discipline you until you relent.” It’s sowing and reaping. It’s not sowing and destroying.

Sowing and reaping means they reap exactly what the penalty should be that’s commensurate with the crime. In the court of law, penalties have to be commensurate of the crime. So you need to consider what is a fair and commensurate punishment if they do not obey. But the idea is that it’s something that they feel, and it’s something they understand. It’s not unfathomable. For a three-year-old twenty minutes in their room is unfathomable. They have no sense of time. That’s a significant percentage of their life. They don’t understand that much time.

They’ve forgotten what it was about a long time ago!

Exactly! So, maybe with a three-year-old it’s three minutes in their room and then….ding, “Now, are you gonna have a good attitude? What did you do wrong, what are you going to do right?” I heard someone go through this with a little one a few minutes ago.

“What did you do wrong?”
“I stood up.”
“Did that make mommy happy?”
“No.”
“Do you want to make mommy happy?”
“Will you obey next time?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sorry?”
“I’m sorry.”

And then we move on. So, it’s simple, but it’s really precise. You have to get out in front of it. But if you set things up where you’ve gotta just react to everything because you are not getting out in front of the potential problems and putting the choices in front of them, then you’re in big trouble and CREATING more problems.

The Attitude IS Part of Obedience

What if the obedience is there, but the attitude isn’t what it should be?

“I know you’re gonna obey me, but your problem is that your attitude is not ‘on earth as it is in Heaven.’ Can you imagine Mary saying to the angel Gabriel when he said, ‘You’re going to have baby Jesus.’ ‘uuuu-uuuuu-uuuuhhhh, ooookkkkaaayyyy.’ Can you image that? No! It’s ‘may it be done according to your will. I’m yours, I’m your handmaiden. Whatever you want, you got it.’ The attitude is part of obedience. So, I know you’ll obey me, but will you also give me the right attitude? Now, here’s the reward for a good attitude and here’s the punishment for a bad attitude. So, go to the next level because now it is about the attitude because obedience doesn’t mean anything unless it’s as a cheerful giver. It’s not really obedience if it’s not a cheerful giver. A reluctant giver is not a giver.

So you’re telling them that in advance that is the reaction you want to see?

Yes, you’re telling them that in advance. And the story shortens as you go along because over the course of 3-4 months, they get it. They know what you’re trying to say. And you can just say a few key words and they know exactly what you’re after and why and “what will happen if”.... And you may change rewards and punishments over time if it doesn’t quite fit anymore for some reason or another. A little more severe if it’s still not working—on both sides—both the reward and the punishments.

And then at some point you can start weaning off the reward part because love is a reward in itself and they need to learn that too. We don’t serve and obey God because of what He’s going to give us if we do. That’s stupid. So that’s not as “on earth, as in heaven.” That’s just temporary, like the old covenant, for weaklings. In times past God had to do this dumb thing for you because you were lazy, but from now on it’s going to be this way: because that’s the Right Thing. And you’ll get there too and get past the old covenant, the works.

Get Out in Front of It

There are some things, like when God’s Word is being shared, that I’ve just thought the response from a child wouldn’t be moaning and sighing. I’ve just thought, “That’s the expectation.”

Don’t be surprised by anything. There are no expectations. Don’t ever be surprised by anything no matter how crazy and as wrong as they may be. You just have to be calculated in your response, because you’re guiding them like railroad tracks through the wilderness. You’re just guiding them.

So it doesn’t matter how crazy it is. Stealing is not that different than crying when it’s nap time. It’s not that different. Because all those things fall short of the glory of God. “On earth as it is in Heaven” doesn’t include stealing and it does not include having attitudes. Neither one. They are equal in that they are both rebellion. They are both defying God. It’s me wanting to be god in both cases. So it’s just a calculated discussion, “You don’t need to be a thief. That’s bad.” It’s just a simple conversation whether it’s stealing or…. I mean that’s obviously facetious but the point is that I don’t make an emotional case out of something that’s “really really bad” versus something that’s just a “little bad” because that would be teaching them the wrong thing. That would be teaching them that there are levels of defying God, but there aren’t. Stealing and a bad attitude are exactly the same. If I’m a reluctant giver, then I am not obeying God. I am not challenging my own attitude and making myself have a good attitude. How is that different than robbing a bank? In God’s sight both are rebellion, both are an attitude problem where I want to be God. An attitude that thinks I have the right to have my own view and opinion and I’m not going to make my will or my attitudes or my emotions obedient to God.

“Cast down imaginations.” Cast down disobedience? That would be good, too. But “cast down imaginations,” which means that I don’t even let my mind go the wrong way. I don’t let my emotions go the wrong way. I’m teaching them this embracing of God as God which means that He gets my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength. We’re pretty quick to give away our strength because that’s the thing we technically call obedience. But heart, soul and mind—that’s part of what Jesus said.

So, you get the idea. Get out in front of it. That’s the biggest thing. It only takes once or twice when you see this pattern of, “I’m about to ask them something, and I’m pretty sure we’re gonna have a problem.” By the time you know what that pattern is, you’re already well equipped to solve it because you already know you have to get in front of it. Don’t make the same mistake 10 times in a row. You’re going to make it two or three times because you have to. The first two or three times you don’t know it’s coming. I mean, every child is different, so if you get it right on one child, you’ll get it wrong on the next one. That’s just how it goes. But after two or three times get out in front of it. Quit doing the same dumb thing over and over again. You created that stink! On the third time, you created that stink because you didn’t get in front of it. You just reacted—again!

What if you’re not really seeing the reaction you would like to see from a remorse standpoint?

You have to prime that pump too. Just say, “Here is what 2 Corinthians 7 says about Godly sorrow that leads to repentance: indignation, alarm, a passion to get it right. Now, there have been times where I’ve seen you do that, but a lot of times I see you just complying. You’re giving in because the consequences are maybe too great. But it’s not something that you’re leaning into as wanting to make mom and dad happy--wanting to make God happy. You’re only complying; you’re not desiring this. You need to work on that too. So, next time you do it, if I get the idea that you really want to do the right thing, you’ll get an extra reward.”

It’s nuanced, but you gotta shoot at something, right? So you identify the things you have to shoot at, and take that exact same approach every time. They reap what they sow. For better or for worse, they reap what they sow. And if you want something beyond compliance, then that’s your new target. And you have to find a way to describe that to them and get out in front of that one. “I’m about to ask you to do something, and I know you’re going to obey me. I know you are. You pretty much always do these days.. bravo [clap, clap, clap]! BUT, I also want your heart. And I sense reluctance. I sense a little bit of sadness when it should be joy to obey. So, I know you’re not going to get your way, (this thing that I’m about to ask you to do and you don’t even know what it is yet). I know you’re going to have a different opinion about that, but if you’ll give me joy instead of reluctance, you get an extra reward. You give me reluctance again, you get an extra five minutes in your room. So, tell me when you’re ready? I’m going to count down from three... and you’re going to show me joy, when I tell you what to do. I know you will!” And if they don’t, they reap what they sow. It’s a simple thing.

Fresh, Brief, Precise, Upbeat

Sometimes I feel like the message gets pounded in, “Jesus died on the cross. Don’t you see this?!” And I don’t want to say things so much that our children have heard so many times by the time they’re twelve that it loses its meaning.

So be creative. Find a different way to say it. It’s still true. Those are the truths of the universe. They need to understand them. Just find a different way to say it. You remember the old religious days of, “Guide, guard and direct us til the next appointed hour,” if you ever went through any of that. Even the prayers were predictable. It doesn’t matter what the words are anymore if it’s that predictable that the person gave absolutely no thought whatsoever to what’s coming out of their mouth. Well, our children deserve more than that too!

I guess sometimes it feels wrong because we keep going on with the children until we see the desired remorse we’re looking for.

But that violates the principle we spoke of earlier because you’re just pushing, pushing, pushing: railing on something. It needs to be: “This is what I wanted to see. This is what I saw. Here’s what you reap,” for better or for worse. Oh, this time you caught them doing the right thing by accident and so, “You’re rewarded for that!”

“Oh, I am?”

It doesn’t even have to be an ultimatum. It can be a spontaneous thing where they do the right thing or the wrong thing. But the push, push, push thing is like what we discussed earlier. It’s exactly the same thing. Going on and on and on with words or discipline - neither one of those things are overly effective. But sowing and reaping is VERY effective. Meaning, it’s fresh, it’s brief, it’s precise. It’s upbeat! There’s no, “I am so fed up with you. I’m going to punish you again.” That’s flat out wrong. You’re delivering it in a way that God doesn’t deliver it. Right? So you’ve violated that God/child principle by how you delivered it. You do NOT have a right to be exasperated and do anything out of reaction or retaliation.

And not that I have seen that really happening. But I have heard, “People who do that go to hell...”

That’s just religion. So, reaction, retaliation and religion... we’ll just put them all in the same basket...the basket of deplorables. Those things are inappropriate ways to respond. Religion rails and talks and talks and talks and teaches and lectures and all that. We’re just fresh and brief and precise and clean and “alright, I didn’t want to do this.” Like what God says, “Do I take any pleasure in destroying sinners? Noooo! But I’ve got to. It’s for your own good because I want those days of refreshing to come.” So, it’s fresh. It’s brief. It’s not overly repetitive.

Never Negotiate!

I think I have fallen into that when a child wants to go back and forth with me. I felt that I needed to rebuke what was coming out of their mouth and that I couldn’t let it sit there. But then they would come back with something else from their mouth, and then I would discipline and then they would come back again... This child always wants to have the last say.

So you should tell them, “If you say one more word to me here’s what’s going to happen.” It’s not back-and-forth, back-and-forth—EVER! We never negotiate with a child. And you never retaliate or react—NEVER! That’s negotiation by frustration. Don’t ever do that with a child. You’ve relinquished authority to them by doing that. God doesn’t do that with us. We don’t yell at God back-and-forth, back-and-forth. What a dumb idea. Of course we don’t. So then, you don’t either. Simple.

Those are the guidelines we were talking about earlier. That’s how you answer those questions. It’s not remembering what we are talking about right now. It’s remembering the guiding principle: We reflect what God does with us. We don’t ever yell back-and-forth with God and then finally He sends us to our room. He doesn’t do that. He doesn’t put up with that. We’re not little miniature gods—which is how we’re acting if we do that—until we’re overpowered, finally. That isn’t how it works. He’s God, plain and simple. We respond to that.

So you say, “Alright, you’ve had your say. I understand what you’re trying to say, but you’re not the parent, you’re not God. So, I’m going to make a decision in a moment. If you support what I say with a good attitude (but you’re still going to serve your punishment for what you’ve already done), then here’s your reward if you have a good attitude (but you’re still going to serve your punishment). If you have a bad attitude, then we double your punishment. So, 3...2...1, here’s what I’m saying____. What are you going to do? I want you to have a good attitude. I want you to get a reward with your punishment (that you’ve already earned). You don’t lose that, that’s still happening. But I don’t want to have to double it. Don’t make mommy do that.” Again, it’s all super clean.

Correct me if I heard this wrong, but you used the word “upbeat.” It can be clean and positive without them seeing on my face “This is SOOOOOOO bad.”

By upbeat I don’t mean chirpy happy. I just mean POISED. Full of grace, full of wisdom, full of poise. I’m the adult in the room.

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