Vulnerability Leads to Light

5/9/2024

A riddle.

In a dream... I’m running through an airport carrying other people’s stuff, a hanging bag and small items.

I realize I’m definitely going to miss my own plane now.

1. A young child alongside our group is stepping on the edge of the hanging bag as I am trying with a group to get to their gate. The step-on-the-edge foot game is hurting my fingers that are tangled up in hangers. I have a “flash” of impatient reaction and push the child away with my foot and quickly cover that reaction with a smile as if I was playing.

2. In my frustration and new calculations about missing MY plane by helping others out in a couple of different ways, somehow I felt the need to make a point of saying to someone I had missed my plane. They said, “I hope it was worth it.” I didn’t answer, but somehow wanted them to know it was “because I was helping others.”

When I woke up, I immediately started asking God a) how much of that is in me, and b) what could I have done to have been “prepared” for those “impulse” sins—so that they would not have happened.

He wanted me to ask YOU for the answer to b) since I already know the answer to a).

When you can, what say ye?

Surely the transparency to ask about b) will help eliminate a). At least He’s been impressing that on me personally recently, and I’m counting on it!

And for me, noticing those b) tendencies in little whispers to give myself credit or compare... things I don’t think I’m blatantly feeding but later realize I didn’t NAIL at the time. Going back and facing God on the Truth of who I really am and what it means to be a living sacrifice, one who lives to serve and not be served... I think I’m starting to see some of those unconscious subtleties in the early stages of changing...

Love says it doesn’t matter what happens to me :)

We read in James the other day:

“But each person is tempted by their own evil desires. These desires lead them on and drag them away. When these *desires are allowed to remain,* they lead to sin. And when sin is allowed to remain and grow, it leads to death.” James 1:14-15

I was thinking about the daily sowing seeds of “seeing the real world” and remembered this passage:

“Because Jesus knew that the Father had handed all things over to him, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, he got up from the meal, removed his outer clothes, took a towel and tied it around himself. He poured water into the washbasin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to dry them with the towel he had wrapped around himself.” John 13:3-5 NET

It has stood out to me that Jesus could serve, because of His confidence in the big picture. He *knew* the Father’s plan...

When I would mess stuff up (stepping on the hanging bag) or get confused in business or other things and you would spend an hour on the phone with me straightening me out, you more than once said, “Maybe these kinds of conversations are the goal of what this is all about—maybe these sorts of things are actually why we are doing this.”

I have this picture in my office, that reminds me of that sentiment. And I chose the picture because somehow, helping small, tender, alive things grow and flourish somehow seems very close to God’s heart and character...

I was reading Galatians 5 this morning, and what jumped out at me was the word “rivalries” in the translation I was using. Above is what it means. For me, it usually comes up with feelings of “I’m not being appreciated/respected/included” and sometimes takes the form of “at least I don’t wanna be criticized.” Yuck!!! When I do that, it means I’m trying to get something out of it for myself. At least at that moment, I’m acting like a hireling. I know the joy of doing something “in secret” just for the Father, and I have no idea why I would still cheapen it like that. :-( But I discussed that with Him this morning and asked Him to sensitize me and make me much more aware when that kind of attitude is still at the temptation phase.

Recently there have been some tough work things and I have found myself with a desire to make it clear to these smiling light-hearted folks I’m having dinner with just how hard things were today :) I can feel like there are two options: 1) keep it hidden and call it “success” if I kept it hidden all night or 2) give in and tell them all and make it very clear how gut-wrenching it’s been. But a third option has been very helpful...to transparently tell the people I’m with that I had a hard day (probably because I’m a wimp) and really want them to know it was hard, but am not going to give into that temptation to make clear how tough it was. Sorry for those self-thoughts and I want to move on and love you guys tonight.

I know option 3 could be skewed as a way to give into #2, but I believe I’ve truly viewed it as a way to kick satan in the teeth because I didn’t give in or bottle it up, but walked in the light making it clear that my issue is my wimpy self-focus, not the situation of the day.

For me running too fast with my agenda, moving down my list as a compulsive focus, rather than slowing down to hear God’s thoughts and nudges.

My knee-jerk response might be brash, because it’s simply in the way of my goal of “completing my list.”

Taking control, such a ridiculous thought, as if I can control anything! I will daily be asking that this be put to death!

What an honor it is to serve God and His People, I want this to be my only true thought.

More of Him and less of me!

“Agendas” get me in trouble. So any agenda of “on time,” “comfortable,” “recognized” must be genuinely open-handed and “not my will but YOURS”... In the dream, the “smile” to “cover” really struck me as so very ugly and not anything I want to ever do again. And if I were to do it, to call it out very clearly and quickly.

Thank you all very much! For this so far and 1000 things.

I’ve been seeing this in myself—that I often value the seen realm “goal” in front of me and miss the unseen Purpose and Opportunity that comes with interruption and failure. Jesus must have an open playing field to accomplish His goals any way He desires. Bloody noses and missed planes are welcome.

One of the ways I get in “trouble” is by assuming I have to “catch the plane” in the first place. Do I really have to? Is that still His will for me today? Instead, can’t I choose to live in the moment and let Him redirect as often and quickly as he wants? Because I have to “catch the plane,” I miss so many of His opportunities in a day, opportunities to truly serve others and come to know Him for real. :(

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

In the small day-to-day things to be quick to not “cover up” the sin but to stop and be honest. I know I’ve had those impulses/reactions rise just during simple daily tasks with others. The opportunity is to not gloss over or just ignore it but to truly repent. Seeing there’s still some death to self that needs to take place!

Deal with the impulse things NOW. The radio thoughts that pop up, the energy leaks. Be honest and vulnerable about things as they come up and not excuse them or water them down.

("Radio" = our spinning, chattering, analytical noisy thoughts that are not of Christ -- our radio of self-indulgence, self-justification, accusation and judgment, mopey, looping, fantasies, comparison, pride, fears, and more.)

Yes! ...to the point where I don’t even notice “me” because my eyes are so fixed on him. Only here for YOU Jesus! Just knowing that I’m not here for me, I’m here to serve.

Always always always, choosing to position ourselves/see ourselves properly as “an unworthy servant.”

And putting our Jesus glasses on to really see people in every circumstance and love them as He does rather than getting caught up in the flurry of a moment. I know that applies to me in MANY small ways every day.

I was picturing not allowing any element of complaint about the bags at the very beginning. When the hangers start cutting into the skin and hurting, I’m looking to Jesus and remembering the one I am carrying the bags for. If helping is the right thing to do, then that IS the most important thing at that moment, not that I get to the plane on time, but that we all do...

Remind ourselves every day, every hour, every minute WHY we are here (Luke 17:7-10 and Matthew 25:40) and who WINS. Don’t brush off the opportunity to plant seeds of love and patience, but take hold of it, plant it, and water it for a future 100x harvest!

The foot and mouth and everything else need to be Following Orders from the Head. God gave us the ability to take a second to taste things before we speak and act. Only when my whole desire is to please Him am I able and eager and privileged to not impulsively indulge. Instead, I can gratefully choose His highest, with joy. (Apart from Him, my mouth would do exactly as in the dream.)

I was thinking that sometimes I sing “Holy Spirit you are welcome in this place...” as a reaction to a difficult scenario or temptation. But that is a reaction to help change my perspective from where it WAS. How much better would it be to have entered that scenario with that posture (to live in that posture), rather than have to work through getting there. Mind seated in Heaven, rather than having to react.

“Head in Heaven, feet on Earth”

Great stuff. Thank you.