Just for FUN!

2/27/2004

Child Preparation Training

Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Automobile Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.

Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Oh, The Things They Say...

Hi Family, I wanted to send you some of the funny quotes that some of our little tykes have said over the course of time. Hope you thoroughly enjoy them and they brighten your day!! Love, Lucy

—Hannah’s first words after waking one morning: “Mommy, some people don’t know Jesus, they catch bugs, and they don’t obey God.”

—Jessica said to her dad, “I didn’t have any bad attitudes when I was asleep.”

—Andy was showing Jeremy a piano part and Jeremy said, “Wow, the muscles in your arms are really big, you must be doing exercises like sprinting.”

—Jeremy and Andy were in a guitar store. Andy asked Jeremy if he was going to learn guitar one day. Jeremy said his dad would teach him, “You know, if I live long enough.”

—Ellen was reading a riddle book to Sean about letters and asked him if he could guess what animal went with the riddle. Sean threw his arms out in the air and said, “I have no i-clue.”

—Cassie saw a picture at K-mart that Debbie has on her wall. She said, “I’ve seen that picture before.” Debbie said that she had it at her house. Cassie then asked, “Did you give it back?”

—When discussing our bodies and how they work...Abbie was asked to give an example of an organ in her body. She replied, “That toilet paper stuff.” It was Ben who finally figured out she was trying to say “tissues” because she remembered that they talked about tissues working together to form organs.

—Molly noticing x-mas trees on top of buildings said, “Jesse, look! More and more people are putting bushes on their buildings.”

—Once Jesse saw a picture of Rudolph and asked, “Mom, why does that deer have a bloody nose?”

—Andy asked Benjamin, “So, how much do you know about Santa Claus?” Confused, Benjamin responded, “I don’t even know what Santa claws are.”

—One night at volleyball, Gabrielle saw a girl stretching against a wall. She asked Sarah, quite puzzled, “What’s happening to that girl?”

—Jeremy was outside jumping rope and whistling and there were workers near-by on a roof. Later, he mentioned to Julie, “Mom, when I was jumping rope, I turned the other direction from the workers.” Julie asked him why. Then he said, “I didn’t want them to be jealous of me.” Julie again asked him why. He responded, “Because I’m such a good whistler.”

—Bethany was going to go outside the Miller’s door and go into the cul-de-sac. But, Debbie and Lori were standing in front of the door talking. So, Bethany came back to her mom and said that she couldn’t go out that way because Debbie and Lori were “relationshipping.”

—Wilma and Joseph were reading about Jesus’ first miracle. Wilma asked Joseph if he knew what Jesus’ first miracle was. Joey said no. Wilma then asked him if he’d like to guess what it was. So, Joey said, “Miracle......whip?”

—Emily and Cara were playing pioneer children, but their grammar was really bad. : ) Bobbi asked Emily why they were talking so poorly and she said, “Well, our mother died before we were born.”

—Vicki asked Jeremy if he liked hot dogs. Jeremy, enthusiastic as usual, said, “Oh yes, I’ve been known to eat two when provoked!”

—Hannah came up to Debbie and said, “I have two questions. The first question is......are you one of my mommies?” Debbie told her yes, that she was one of her hundred mothers. Then Hannah said, “My other question is......can we watch a video?”

—One day Hannah was upstairs with her mom when she overheard Tim, Matt and Dave downstairs, being a little loud, while watching a football game. Hannah looked at her mom and said, “Guys are so different!”

—Amos came up to his dad and asked him if he could use his upstairs bathroom. Steve said ‘yes’ so Amos went on up. A few minutes later, Amos came out of the bathroom and went up to his mom who was resting on the bed. Tapping her on the shoulder, he asked, “Would it wake you up if I flush the toilet?”

—In the car, after Jeremy had been in trouble a lot, Matt asked him why he thought he had gotten in so much trouble. Matt said, “You disobeyed, didn’t you?” Jeremy replied, “Yeah, it just destroys life.”

What does love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“Love is when you tell your friend you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.”—Noelle—age 7

“Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way.”—Charlie age 5

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”—Billy—age 4

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.”—Chrissy—age 6

“Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don’t yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.—Samantha—age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”—Terri—age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”—Danny—age 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you don’t like.”—Nikka—age 6

“When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you’re scared they won’t love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more.”—Matthew—age 7

“There are two kinds of love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.”—Jenny—age 4

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”—Tommy—age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me, and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”—Cindy—age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody.”—Louie—age 5

“Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine—age 5

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”—Mary Ann—age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”—Lauren—age—4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”—Karen—age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”—Jessica—age 8

“God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn’t. That’s love.”—Max—age 5